Hospitals ain’t fun at all!

It really isn’t fun to go to a hospital for anything. Wonder who in the world designed these damn things. They never make any sense how they lay them out. Unless your being deliverewd by ambulance it is just a pain to get into one. Then throw in that the dumbest people born are put behind the desk you have to go to. They never kn ow what is going on or why things happen or don’t.

Roday, I had a 1 pm appointment. I drove there, parked in the garage and made the 20 minute asswult maze to get up to where my appointment was to take place. I smiled as I checked in, and reported the woman behind the desk that I was there for my appointment. She replied, um, no your not. They didn’t have an appointment for me and she didn’t know why. But, I could sit down and wait shile she checked into it. And I sat, and sat, and sat, and sat some4 more. She finally called me to tell me she is not sure what happen that they show my doctor did make the appointment but it didn’t get into the system. And they didn’t have anyone to talk to me today and I would have to come back tomorrow. Hum…..

Then I made the mistake of doing as I was told in the garage of going to the booth in the main lobby to pre-pay for my parking. The woman at that desk said to use the kiosk. To which said was payi8ng for two cars and the machine wouldn’t allow me to do that in one transaction. She said she couldn’t help me. So, for a .45 fee twice paid for parking and the parking fee too.

So, I am out $7 for nothing.

ummmm….

In my life I have more often then not, been a bull in a china shop. Pushing through the things I want. With age and hindsight I now realize how wrong that is. Granted, you can’t go back and fix things in the past. The goal is that you learn and try not to repeat the same mistakes.

For the first time in many ways I am seeing life in a whole new way. Not that it is anything new to most people, yet for me it is. My life is my own. My own to fuck up (which I have done very well at) or to be happy and successful. I am more and more amazed at the simpler things in life that people accomplish.

My life could be summed up pretty simple in one word, reaction. Now I will tell you clearly and without reservation it is not the way to live.

Looking back

If I had a dollar for every time I have been told to not look back in the past I would be a very rich man right now. Instead, I am poor and look back way too often. Recently, I had a reunion of sorts. With my ex, a son I have never met and the son that I raised and his sister. No doubt it was long over due. Over due because of me more then anyone. Another one of my many fuck-ups in life I will have to live with.

Not sure I am strong enough to really get into it all at this point, sufficient to say my track record in life is not something to be proud of in anyway. Pretty much I represent the way things should not be done. Most of my adulthood I took the path of trying not to deal with my feelings. This hasn’t just been flat out wrong it has done nothing but hurt others along the way. Not sure I wouldn’t have hurt them if I did it any other way either. All too often I just seem to stumble into things in life. No real plan for anything, just bounce around till I hit something and not having any skills to know much I screw it up. No wonder I don’t have any real friends or my relationship with pretty much everyone is shaky at best.

It could be said I am my worst enemy and that would be pretty damn honest statement of fact. All my failures are my own and I have a path of unfinished potholes behind me. My wish now is that I can start doing things the right way and stop letting myself down. Minimize the trail of hurt I have already carved out on this path.

Guess I need to get off my ass

Think the title says it all!

Working out

Another thing I am changing in my life is taking better care of myself. One of the things that I going to be doing is working out. Funny how my sister had some influence on this as well. Been moving toward it already, but after talking to her it is helping me to have a stronger resolve. Another blogger is also having somewhat the same effect on me as well. One of those is a guy from the east coast who talks on his blog somewhat about working out and even has come out with a workout video. Haven’t seen it but have seen many of his video blog postings.

Starting this week I will be adding to this blog my workouts and how I am doing as well. Think it will help keep me on track and accountable. Should be interesting to see where I am by the end of summer.

Why do I want to go to school?

Yesterday I looked back on this blog and realized I wrote more then i thought I had. But, I still want to write more. Think becoming more open with myself is really important. Another thing I noticed was, when I started this thing it had to do with school.

School and me have not had the best relationship in the past. Calling it love/hate would be kind actually. Yet, I do have a healthy dose of respect for education. On a certain level I know it is key to development and just finding happiness. So what has been my hold up?

Fear for sure is one of them. I have an intense fear of school because I think I am not good enough. Not being good enough, (whatever that means) has prevented me from doing the things I really want to do. Scared of doing it and then losing it or having it taken away. Are these childish fears, some are no doubt. Seems like a lot of things from my childhood have played into my adulthood. The time has come to stop allowing those ancient things guide or influence me any longer.

I want to go to school for many reasons;

1. Move forward and stop letting my past controlling my future.
2. I want to be happy. Want to run my own business successfully and enjoy the fruits of my labor.
3. Prove to myself I can do this. I won’t go to school just to go. I want to be the best, and give it all I have.
4. Become successful and see and experience life on a whole new level.

There are more reasons, but that is a good start I think. Needless to say this blog is going to be seeing a lot more activity as I take this journey. Looking forward to see who will walk with me through it all via this blog. Thanks!

Opening the box

So, yesterday I called my sister. Which is kinda weird for me since I don’t really ever talk to my family much. My siblings and I were for the most part raised differently. No doubt this has played into the distance I have with them. About a month or so ago we all were together in the same room for the first time in over seven years at least. Personally, it was weird to see them and their families.

The reason I am even talking about this is because during the call with my sister I realized how much I don’t know her. I don’t know any of my siblings actually. Sure that is why when I hear or see other people talking or being with their siblings I don’t feel anything. It is another one of those things that now concerns me. How little I feel things. It is upsetting to me that though my life i have learned not to feel things. Not that I am void of any feelings, and I think I am getting them back more and more. But to have lived as much as I have and either kept my feelings so buried, or just ignored them. When I was younger it was the complete opposite. Felt for everything and everyone. I do now days, but not for anyone close to me. Not to mention I am really awful at letting anyone get close to me. Do things to keep others distant from me. These are things I have to change, because I feel trapped and in the middle of this fight all the time.

While talking to my sister she told me briefly about something that happen to her a couple years ago. Now in respect for her privacy I will not get into the details. But, it was pretty damn big and really shock me to hear it. More so, how could something like this happen and I never knew? Feel horrible she went through it, but equally thankful that she has an awesome husband who supported her and helped her through it. He is a really amazing guy and I again, never realized how awesome he is as a husband, father and person.

My sister is a fighter and survivor. Hope to get to know her better, and I really do love her. Hope I can show her that more in the future. She has come so far, and I can’t even begin to express how proud of her I am. I will be learning a lot from her.

Testing this thing

Not sure why. But this looked interesting, course I have no idea how to get it up in the header where I think it should be.

What, where?????

Know I have not been keeping this thing up as much as I want to. But, never really feel like there is a lot to talk about or anything exciting enough to write about. Been thinking the wrong way though. Instead of worrying about what to write and what is “exciting” or whatever else, shouldn’t be my focus. This blog is just about life and how things are going in it. I read tons of blogs and I am always impressed with all the things people write about of their lives. Now I am looking at them a bit different and realize they are just writing and its good stuff.

Another reason I started this blog way back when was because I wanted to journal my interest and growth in the field of photography. Which as you can read back and see I haven’t done a whole lot with it. Least not as much as I had hoped. This really started back like four years ago when I was looking for a school to go to. It was Brooks at the time and of course I didn’t go. Now I am four years later thinking about another school. Not like this hasn’t been going on this entire time. But, this time I think I know I have to do this. It keeps coming up and I never do anything about it. Another thing is I haven’t shared much of my photos mainly because I don’t think anyone really wants to see it. And the fact I have a lack of confidence with it all. I know that has to stop and I just need to do this. My life in many ways depends on it and I think the time has come to pull my head out of my ass and get on with improving my life and jump into what I really want to do. Photography is something I have had a very private love affair with my entire life. Think it started with my grandfather actually. When I was in 5th grade my grandparents came to visit us. My grandfather had shown us tons of slides of the trips they had made overseas. Always loved that! Well, this time he came to my school and showed my class the slides. It was one of the coolest things I can remember. I was so proud of him and his slides. My grandfather was quite the artist as well in the field of painting. For me though it was always his slides I loved the most. Think also because he came to my school and shared with my class really touched me. That didn’t happen much in my lil world back then. Really sucks I don’t even have one photograph of my grandparents.

Now as for all this going to school thing. I am pretty nervous about it, because I never did good in school. Not sure why other then I just wasn’t good at it. Never got to finish it as well. Going through school was like just a place I was suppose to go everyday. I had no guidance in what I should be doing. No plan except what had to be done in the moment. No emphasis on the importance of an education or why. Which sadly has effected others that I love very much, my son. I don’t think I impressed upon him the importance of an education and how it is something yes you have the choice of doing it or not, but not really either. He is so damn smart and I feel as if I have totally failed him in this area. My other son is getting ready to start collage and I couldn’t be more proud of him and his mother. Will write more on that later.

So, where is this all leading to? Today I am going to the school to take a placement test. Needless to say I completely suck at taking tests. So yea, I am a bit on edge this morning. The one other nagging thing for me is that I am trying to deal with the fact of how to handle doing things alone. Is it normal to want others to be interested and supportive in our decisions? Sure that is another one I will have to deal with.

Wish me luck!

Just thinking

Doesn’t seem like anyone ever reads this thing. Course, is that really important? Probably not actually, but still makes ya think. Maybe this stuff I blog about is really just boring ass stuff. Maybe I need to write about other crap. Was reading another blog earlier and he was talking about being more open on his blog. That he had been writing for sometime now, and that when he went back and looked he saw where he was writing very cryptic. Even to the point he didn’t know what he was talking about.

Often I feel I do this and I am just not sure how or what I should do about it. Hear a lot about how people (companies) out there like to use Facebook, and blogs against people. Course, I don’t for any company per say at the moment. But, it isn’t like I won’t with them being clients. Course, at this point in life I am not sure I have much to talk about that is shocking or anything else.