Guess I need to get off my ass

Think the title says it all!

Working out

Another thing I am changing in my life is taking better care of myself. One of the things that I going to be doing is working out. Funny how my sister had some influence on this as well. Been moving toward it already, but after talking to her it is helping me to have a stronger resolve. Another blogger is also having somewhat the same effect on me as well. One of those is a guy from the east coast who talks on his blog somewhat about working out and even has come out with a workout video. Haven’t seen it but have seen many of his video blog postings.

Starting this week I will be adding to this blog my workouts and how I am doing as well. Think it will help keep me on track and accountable. Should be interesting to see where I am by the end of summer.

Why do I want to go to school?

Yesterday I looked back on this blog and realized I wrote more then i thought I had. But, I still want to write more. Think becoming more open with myself is really important. Another thing I noticed was, when I started this thing it had to do with school.

School and me have not had the best relationship in the past. Calling it love/hate would be kind actually. Yet, I do have a healthy dose of respect for education. On a certain level I know it is key to development and just finding happiness. So what has been my hold up?

Fear for sure is one of them. I have an intense fear of school because I think I am not good enough. Not being good enough, (whatever that means) has prevented me from doing the things I really want to do. Scared of doing it and then losing it or having it taken away. Are these childish fears, some are no doubt. Seems like a lot of things from my childhood have played into my adulthood. The time has come to stop allowing those ancient things guide or influence me any longer.

I want to go to school for many reasons;

1. Move forward and stop letting my past controlling my future.
2. I want to be happy. Want to run my own business successfully and enjoy the fruits of my labor.
3. Prove to myself I can do this. I won’t go to school just to go. I want to be the best, and give it all I have.
4. Become successful and see and experience life on a whole new level.

There are more reasons, but that is a good start I think. Needless to say this blog is going to be seeing a lot more activity as I take this journey. Looking forward to see who will walk with me through it all via this blog. Thanks!

Opening the box

So, yesterday I called my sister. Which is kinda weird for me since I don’t really ever talk to my family much. My siblings and I were for the most part raised differently. No doubt this has played into the distance I have with them. About a month or so ago we all were together in the same room for the first time in over seven years at least. Personally, it was weird to see them and their families.

The reason I am even talking about this is because during the call with my sister I realized how much I don’t know her. I don’t know any of my siblings actually. Sure that is why when I hear or see other people talking or being with their siblings I don’t feel anything. It is another one of those things that now concerns me. How little I feel things. It is upsetting to me that though my life i have learned not to feel things. Not that I am void of any feelings, and I think I am getting them back more and more. But to have lived as much as I have and either kept my feelings so buried, or just ignored them. When I was younger it was the complete opposite. Felt for everything and everyone. I do now days, but not for anyone close to me. Not to mention I am really awful at letting anyone get close to me. Do things to keep others distant from me. These are things I have to change, because I feel trapped and in the middle of this fight all the time.

While talking to my sister she told me briefly about something that happen to her a couple years ago. Now in respect for her privacy I will not get into the details. But, it was pretty damn big and really shock me to hear it. More so, how could something like this happen and I never knew? Feel horrible she went through it, but equally thankful that she has an awesome husband who supported her and helped her through it. He is a really amazing guy and I again, never realized how awesome he is as a husband, father and person.

My sister is a fighter and survivor. Hope to get to know her better, and I really do love her. Hope I can show her that more in the future. She has come so far, and I can’t even begin to express how proud of her I am. I will be learning a lot from her.

Testing this thing

Not sure why. But this looked interesting, course I have no idea how to get it up in the header where I think it should be.

What, where?????

Know I have not been keeping this thing up as much as I want to. But, never really feel like there is a lot to talk about or anything exciting enough to write about. Been thinking the wrong way though. Instead of worrying about what to write and what is “exciting” or whatever else, shouldn’t be my focus. This blog is just about life and how things are going in it. I read tons of blogs and I am always impressed with all the things people write about of their lives. Now I am looking at them a bit different and realize they are just writing and its good stuff.

Another reason I started this blog way back when was because I wanted to journal my interest and growth in the field of photography. Which as you can read back and see I haven’t done a whole lot with it. Least not as much as I had hoped. This really started back like four years ago when I was looking for a school to go to. It was Brooks at the time and of course I didn’t go. Now I am four years later thinking about another school. Not like this hasn’t been going on this entire time. But, this time I think I know I have to do this. It keeps coming up and I never do anything about it. Another thing is I haven’t shared much of my photos mainly because I don’t think anyone really wants to see it. And the fact I have a lack of confidence with it all. I know that has to stop and I just need to do this. My life in many ways depends on it and I think the time has come to pull my head out of my ass and get on with improving my life and jump into what I really want to do. Photography is something I have had a very private love affair with my entire life. Think it started with my grandfather actually. When I was in 5th grade my grandparents came to visit us. My grandfather had shown us tons of slides of the trips they had made overseas. Always loved that! Well, this time he came to my school and showed my class the slides. It was one of the coolest things I can remember. I was so proud of him and his slides. My grandfather was quite the artist as well in the field of painting. For me though it was always his slides I loved the most. Think also because he came to my school and shared with my class really touched me. That didn’t happen much in my lil world back then. Really sucks I don’t even have one photograph of my grandparents.

Now as for all this going to school thing. I am pretty nervous about it, because I never did good in school. Not sure why other then I just wasn’t good at it. Never got to finish it as well. Going through school was like just a place I was suppose to go everyday. I had no guidance in what I should be doing. No plan except what had to be done in the moment. No emphasis on the importance of an education or why. Which sadly has effected others that I love very much, my son. I don’t think I impressed upon him the importance of an education and how it is something yes you have the choice of doing it or not, but not really either. He is so damn smart and I feel as if I have totally failed him in this area. My other son is getting ready to start collage and I couldn’t be more proud of him and his mother. Will write more on that later.

So, where is this all leading to? Today I am going to the school to take a placement test. Needless to say I completely suck at taking tests. So yea, I am a bit on edge this morning. The one other nagging thing for me is that I am trying to deal with the fact of how to handle doing things alone. Is it normal to want others to be interested and supportive in our decisions? Sure that is another one I will have to deal with.

Wish me luck!

Just thinking

Doesn’t seem like anyone ever reads this thing. Course, is that really important? Probably not actually, but still makes ya think. Maybe this stuff I blog about is really just boring ass stuff. Maybe I need to write about other crap. Was reading another blog earlier and he was talking about being more open on his blog. That he had been writing for sometime now, and that when he went back and looked he saw where he was writing very cryptic. Even to the point he didn’t know what he was talking about.

Often I feel I do this and I am just not sure how or what I should do about it. Hear a lot about how people (companies) out there like to use Facebook, and blogs against people. Course, I don’t for any company per say at the moment. But, it isn’t like I won’t with them being clients. Course, at this point in life I am not sure I have much to talk about that is shocking or anything else.